How Do You Determine The Health Of Your Relation

Have you ever considered how to determine how good or healthy your marriage is? There isn’t a lab test or a thermometer that gives you a reading to tell you how you are doing. So, how do people know if their marriage is healthy or not?

Unfortunately, for some people, they have no idea what their own determining factors would be, say nothing about their spouse’s determining factors. Sometimes people are completely blown away when their spouse mentions divorce. They thought things were going just fine, but apparently their spouse didn’t. It is important to examine how you would know if your marriage is good or bad and to see if these things are in line with your spouse’s view of the relationship.

I’m Happy so It Must Be Good

Some people judge their marital satisfaction based on their happiness with their life in general. They think, “If I’m happy then my marriage must be good.” Their sources of happiness may be their work, extended family, or other external factors and they assume is going well.

We’re Weathering the Good Times and the Bad

Other people don’t think that happiness equates to marital satisfaction. Instead, they look for how they are handling the bad times. If they are taking the good and the bad and making it through together, they assume their marriage is in a good place. The general thinking is that if my spouse is here for me when I’m dealing with grief, tragedy and problems, we must have a good marriage.

We Have Fun Together

There are couples who really enjoy one another’s company and they like doing a lot of activities together. They gauge their marital satisfaction based on how much fun they are having. Going on fun dates, exciting vacations, and finding new adventures mean they are over all satisfied with their marriage.

We’re Accomplishing Things Together

Accomplishments can signal happiness for some people. They think that if they have children, a nice house, enough money, and all their goals are being reached, their marriage must be a good thing. They credit their success to having a good marriage and think things must be good if they are doing well.

Behavior or Feeling?

It’s important to take a look at whether you determine the health of your marriage based on feelings or behaviors. For some people, they just feel good, feel lovingly toward their spouse and feel their spouse loves them. For these people, they just feel like their marriage is good.

For others, it is based more on behaviors. If their spouse does the chores, buys them presents or gives them attention, they feel like their marriage is good. They also feel like the best way to show their love is to do things for their spouse.

Most people believe in determining the health of their relationship based on a combination of feelings and behaviors. For example, my marriage is good when we are helping each other and when we help each other, we feel more love between us. The good news is, you can behave lovingly even when you don’t feel like it and these behaviors can change how you feel.

Find Out Your Spouse’s Thoughts about Marriage Health

Find out your spouse’s definition of a healthy, satisfying marriage. You may find that it differs slightly from yours. Men and women’s brains work differently. They think and feel things in different ways. So therefore, their definitions of a successful relationship may vary.

Ask your spouse’s opinion on the current state of your marriage. Don’t let your spouse get away with something like “it’s alright.” Find out what that means. Ask what a great marriage looks like.

Set Goals for Yourselves

Once you compare notes on the state of your marriage, discuss what types of things would make your marriage better. These can be small things, like “kissing me goodnight” or “greeting me when I come in the door.” Try to set some goals for yourselves that are realistic and obtainable.

Identify one small thing you can start doing for your spouse regularly that would make your spouse feel like the marriage was better. Offer one thing your spouse can do for you. Keep communicating about the state of your marriage and how healthy or unhealthy you feel it is and make adjustments as necessary.

Have you ever considered how to determine how good or healthy your marriage is? There isn’t a lab test or a thermometer that gives you a reading to tell you how you are doing. So, how do people know if their marriage is healthy or not?
Unfortunately, for some people, they have no idea what their own determining factors would be, say nothing about their spouse’s determining factors. Sometimes people are completely blown away when their spouse mentions divorce. They thought things were going just fine, but apparently their spouse didn’t. It is important to examine how you would know if your marriage is good or bad and to see if these things are in line with your spouse’s view of the relationship.
I’m Happy so It Must Be Good
Some people judge their marital satisfaction based on their happiness with their life in general. They think, “If I’m happy then my marriage must be good.” Their sources of happiness may be their work, extended family, or other external factors and they assume is going well.
We’re Weathering the Good Times and the Bad
Other people don’t think that happiness equates to marital satisfaction. Instead, they look for how they are handling the bad times. If they are taking the good and the bad and making it through together, they assume their marriage is in a good place. The general thinking is that if my spouse is here for me when I’m dealing with grief, tragedy and problems, we must have a good marriage.
We Have Fun Together
There are couples who really enjoy one another’s company and they like doing a lot of activities together. They gauge their marital satisfaction based on how much fun they are having. Going on fun dates, exciting vacations, and finding new adventures mean they are over all satisfied with their marriage.
We’re Accomplishing Things Together
Accomplishments can signal happiness for some people. They think that if they have children, a nice house, enough money, and all their goals are being reached, their marriage must be a good thing. They credit their success to having a good marriage and think things must be good if they are doing well.
Behavior or Feeling?
It’s important to take a look at whether you determine the health of your marriage based on feelings or behaviors. For some people, they just feel good, feel lovingly toward their spouse and feel their spouse loves them. For these people, they just feel like their marriage is good.
For others, it is based more on behaviors. If their spouse does the chores, buys them presents or gives them attention, they feel like their marriage is good. They also feel like the best way to show their love is to do things for their spouse.
Most people believe in determining the health of their relationship based on a combination of feelings and behaviors. For example, my marriage is good when we are helping each other and when we help each other, we feel more love between us. The good news is, you can behave lovingly even when you don’t feel like it and these behaviors can change how you feel.
Find Out Your Spouse’s Thoughts about Marriage Health
Find out your spouse’s definition of a healthy, satisfying marriage. You may find that it differs slightly from yours. Men and women’s brains work differently. They think and feel things in different ways. So therefore, their definitions of a successful relationship may vary.
Ask your spouse’s opinion on the current state of your marriage. Don’t let your spouse get away with something like “it’s alright.” Find out what that means. Ask what a great marriage looks like.
Set Goals for Yourselves
Once you compare notes on the state of your marriage, discuss what types of things would make your marriage better. These can be small things, like “kissing me goodnight” or “greeting me when I come in the door.” Try to set some goals for yourselves that are realistic and obtainable.
Identify one small thing you can start doing for your spouse regularly that would make your spouse feel like the marriage was better. Offer one thing your spouse can do for you. Keep communicating about the state of your marriage and how healthy or unhealthy you feel it is and make adjustments as necessary.
- See more at: http://marriagecounselingblog.com/marriage-counseling/how-do-you-determine-the-health-of-your-marriage/#more-8947

Why Are Second Marriages A Big Deal

The idea of second marriage has still not found acceptance in the Indian society. Despite so many campaigns creating awareness about remarriages, just a mere reference of it gives rise to so many questions.

It really puzzles me as to why the term 'second marriage' or 'remarriage' is considered to be a taboo. Everybody has the right to live their lives, so why aren't they free to take their own decisions. It is not easy to live a life all alone.

I have seen so many elderly couples, where if one of them dies it becomes very difficult for other one to survive because their children get so busy in their own works that they rarely get time to spend with him or her.

There have been many young couples whose marriages didn't work and they ended up parting ways or one of the two die in unfortunate incident, leaving the other one all alone.

There indeed comes a time when every human being requires companionship at some point in their lives so what's the harm in them getting married again.

Women in India are brought up in such way that they are made to believe that their life starts and ends with their husbands and they have to dedicate their whole life to them, even after their death.

And if by chance the woman expresses a desire to remarry they are looked down upon. It is assumed that she has betrayed her husband, which is ridiculous.

If someone desires to remarry it doesn't mean he or she has forgotten their spouse. It is high time that such mentality is changed Though the thinking is slowly changing but India still has a long way to go.

6 Truths About Being A Second Wife

1. I never expected to be a second wife. No one does; no little girl longs to grow up and walk down the aisle to the strains of "Here Comes the Second Bride, All Dressed in an Ivory Suit."  But here I am, married to a man who was married before. I am the grown-up woman he married as a grown-up man. We have an ordinary life. It’s not a series of glittering evenings drinking martinis in smoky bars. Instead it is the familiar routine of waking to an arm around your waist, the companionable bathroom talk with mouths full of toothpaste, and the idea that someone will know if you don’t make it home at night. Yet even though we have gallopped past our twentieth year of marriage, I am still considered The Second One by certain of our acquaintances. Go figure.
2. Not many people like a second wife. Not the wives of college friends, not old relatives who can't remember new names but who remember that they shelled out good money for a fancy gift the first time around, and especially not the original wife, who thinks of herself as the bona fide wife. But when a man marries for the second time he knows what he's getting into. He enters willingly, eyes open, arms spread--he's the emotional version of a skydiver. Emerging broken, bruised and bleeding from a previous fall when the parachute didn’t quite open, he is nevertheless willing to do it again and at an even greater risk-- everyone knows second marriages are risky. The surprise is this: when the moment comes, the man jumps with alacrity.
3. So why is the phrase “second wife” so unnerving? When even used-car dealers don’t regard themselves as purveyors of second-hand merchandise, when second-hand clothes stores are now consignment shops, why should I stick with the second-wife moniker? It’s not like I wasn’t married before, too. My husband is as much a second husband as I’m a second wife. In part, this is due to the fact that there is still a contingent for which a marriage without children is only slightly more honorable than a series of one-night stands. Yet we make as felicitous a stepfamily as you are likely to find.
4. Being a second wife and a stepmother is rather like learning to perfect a set of aerial maneuvers. There are seriously complicated stunts involved-- trapeze artists have less difficulty in learning when to disappear and resurface at exactly the right moments than your average second wife. And there remains a slight sense of imbalance. His first marriage counted. My first marriage--even though it lasted five years--did not. During my final two years in my first marriage, I was constantly telling my friends how I wanted to make my relationship work. Then I learned that marriages aren’t like cars, independent of the people in them, to be fixed according to an owner's manual.
5. I realized, several years after I remarried, that one of my oldest friends never quite forgave me for getting on with life after my divorce. Treating me with the resentment of a union official watching a house being constructed with non-union labor, my erstwhile friend watched me build up and remodel my life. She has never absolved me from the sin of being happy.
6. To sum up: I am married to a man I love and am lucky. We’d both been married before, but does that really matter?  Should second wives post billboards proclaiming that we are not necessarily women who flounce through life wearing ankle bracelets, feather boas, and alligator shoes? As some statistics have it, we are one in every four married women you will meet. Yet we have to shake off the stigma attached to being The Second Wife and say, with a smile, “Yes indeed, I’m his second wife. But I’m his last.”

Second Marriage: Wedding Rules have Changed for Encore Brides

Is this your second marriage? Wedding rules for encore brides have changed. Second weddings tend to be smaller than first weddings – and oftentimes, they’re more personalized. Couples marrying for the second time are old enough to know exactly what they want. Many of them have done the big wedding thing, and prefer to celebrate with only close friends and family. Besides, they have different priorities. Many of them have careers, homes, kids, and they no longer feel pressured by their families – or society in general – to have a traditional wedding.

 For a couple entering into a second marriage, wedding plans aren’t necessarily less elaborate. Many encore brides and grooms pull out all the stops for their second ‘I do’s.
If you are planning a 2nd wedding, here are some things to keep in mind:
• If you want to wear a traditional white wedding gown, go for it. The ‘no white’ rule has been abolished.
• Registering for gifts is perfectly acceptable. If you already have all the household items you need, consider setting up a honeymoon registry at www.thebigday.com.
• If you are divorced and want to have a church wedding, check with the cleric well before your wedding date to make sure the church permits 2nd weddings. If you get turned away, try a nondenominational minister.
• Consider a destination wedding. They are a popular option for 2nd weddings.
• If you have kids, involve them. This is a great way to prevent them from feeling alienated and to help them get excited about your nuptials.
For couples entering a second marriage, wedding plans often include children. Here are just a few ideas to get children involved:
• Encourage kids to offer input on wedding-day decisions. This will make them feel part of the process. Ask for input on everything from the wedding day music to the favors.
• If kids are artistic or into crafts, have them make favors, place cards, invitations or wedding programs. Also have kids help decorate the venue.
• A young girl can serve as flower girl or ring bearer, while a young boy can serve as ring bearer.
• Preteens could serve as junior bridesmaids or junior ushers. A teen or adult could serve as bridesmaid, groomsman, usher, maid of honor or best man.
• Have a child give a reading or a speech if s/he desires.
• If a child is musical have him or her perform during the ceremony or reception.
• Don’t force kids to take a role. Ask them if they would like to participate, and if so what they would like to do.

Second Wedding Dress

You may have been a fan of the poofy princess-style dress the first time you got married, but for  second weddings, gowns tend to be more simplified and less ornate. The best part about wedding-dress shopping the second time around is that you won’t be easily influenced by what others want (something first-time brides often give in to) – this time, you know that your wedding is all about you so you’ll choose a dress based on what you and you alone love.
With second weddings, brides can think outside the standard white box and opt for a dress that has some colour and is mid-calf length. While having the long, awe-inducing train may have been important to you at your first wedding, the encore bride doesn’t tend to have a train to her dress at all. You may have also worn a beautiful veil – second-wedding brides, however, usually opt for something less dramatic and formal, like a birdcage veil or small hat. There are also beautiful options for headpieces that include feathers and glitzy jewels. You can even choose to wear a stunning suit instead of a dress if you’ll be more comfortable.
The best part of wedding-dress shopping for second weddings is that there are no rules. No one is going to gasp if you don’t wear white (or if you do), you don’t have to feel obligated to wear a family heirloom gown, and you don’t need to go with all the formalities (front-and-back veil, elaborate coif, fancy shoes, or something old, something new. Go with something that suits you, whether it’s a shorter pale yellow dress, free-flowing locks or bare feet!

My Second Marriage Will Not End In Divorce

When I got married the first time, I did it because sure, I was in love with my husband-to-be. But I was also in my late 20s and all my friends were getting married too. I wanted the things that I thought marriage guaranteed: love, intimacy, security, and children.
I got the children. Because of them, I'll never say that I shouldn’t have gotten married the first time. But looking back, I know that ultimately, my ex-husband and I weren’t suited for each other. Not by a long shot.
After I got divorced, I was in no hurry to get into another relationship. I had my kids, a job I enjoyed, and good friends. Plus I wanted to have fun, play the field a little, and have casual sex. So when I did finally start dating again, I knew exactly what I didn't want in a boyfriend, and later, a husband.
Plus, the only real reason to get married a second time was to live happily ever after with a true partner whom I was madly in love with. I found that with my second husband. And then some.
Sure this marriage has its own set of circumstances, the most stressful being that we are a blended family. Which means that my husband lives with my teenaged kids most of the time. And his teen daughter comes to stay with us every other weekend and half of the holidays.
And that's not always easy, but after almost seven years, we’ve pretty much got it worked out. And in a few years, the kids will be going away to college.
We'll be left with just each other. I can't wait.

Being Married A Second Time

The Indian experience of a second marriage is still relatively uncommon. One blogger shares her experience with remarriage.
By Heart-crossings*
This is my experience with second marriage and it may not be true for everyone else. Ever so often, I find myself falling into the trap of “being owed happiness”. I waited long enough for this man, ergo, he must be the answer to all that ails me. Why must I still be expected to work on finding my own happiness or put forth the effort to make the relationship a happy one? It is as if the long, frustrating and often hopeless waiting to get to this state entitles me to happiness without any further ado.

The insecure child
We have only one child (mine) between the two of us, so I have it a lot easier than couples who marry for the second time and need to bring many kids together. Even so, there are challenges and complications due to the presence of a child. Mine was acutely insecure for several months into our marriage. On the one hand, she had this compulsive need to ensure that my husband had what it took to keep me happy but on the other, when she saw us happy together she grew afraid of losing her mother to a relative stranger. The two forces worked in equal and opposite directions bringing a great deal of stress into the family. It took a lot of reassurances from both of us and demonstrating to her that her position in my life had not diminished in any way to alleviate that insecurity.

On the one hand, she had this compulsive need to ensure that my husband had what it took to keep me happy but on the other, when she saw us happy together she grew afraid of losing her mother to a relative stranger.

Losing friends
Both my husband and I have shed several friendships in the wake of our marriage. On his end, this were friends that felt compassion or pity for him because he was floundering partner-less without direction in life. By inviting him into their families, they got an opportunity to feel better about themselves and rejoice in their superior standing in life. This pity-fest had been going on for years and all at once my presence ended it.
I had been a feel good project for several of my girlfriends – married and single. They could do little things to help me out, reduce the burden of my responsibilities as a single mom without inconveniencing themselves seriously. By ceasing to be single, I had taken away their opportunity to be Good Samaritans and they were quick to dump me as well. The result is that we are relatively friendless, in need of building a social life all over again and the very idea is irksome.
The parental equation
We have found out that parents get used to us being single and dependent on them a lot more than we would have otherwise been. As much as they would like for lives to return to normalcy and for us to find a life partner, they are often unable to relinquish what they had from us in the years past. My mother for instance ran my household like it was her own, without any interference from anyone. I was too desperate (and grateful) for the help to question her authority. She is now failing to recognize that her role has changed and she needs to play a very minor part in my family.
Communication hiccups
We both expect the other person to communicate clearly what they want. Yet for the smallest things to take so much back and forth tires us out. We have the social roles and responsibilities of a couple with a ten year old child, when the marriage is not even two years old. What would come naturally to a couple of our vintage, takes a lot of doing for us to accomplish. With that, small tasks become Herculean efforts and we are both left emotionally exhausted. With so much energy expended in setting appropriate expectations for mundane things, we have none left to work on cementing the relationship – it inevitably gets pushed to the back-burner.

We have the social roles and responsibilities of a couple with a ten year old child, when the marriage is not even two years old.

Feeling normal
I never subscribed to the idea that a single person or a single parent is any less or different from a married person. I would go out of my way to prove to myself that I was alright and that my child was not being deprived of a “normal” life. Yet, there was always this nagging sensation of being an outsider to normal (in my case suburban) society. I had nothing in common with the stay-at-home PTA moms. I still have very little in common with them but having a husband affords me a small entry into their world.
Similarly, having a child makes it easier for my husband to be the “regular” daddy when they go run errands together or play tennis. He does not have to be the guy that comes alone to brunch every Sunday – he has a ten year old to take along if he wanted to. Suddenly the waitresses are all smiles and friendly – he is welcome into the “normal” fold. Normalcy is a pretty big deal for someone who has been on the fringe for as long as we have.